February 14th, 2010 by Hoopleton

Not a day goes by that I am not supremely grateful, as truly we should all be, that Jennifer Aniston is a bright, constant fixture in our otherwise dark, dank, depressing world. Thank God for Jennifer Aniston. It’s all right to say it. To stand up out of your seat and shout, thank God for Jennifer Aniston! Go ahead, print can wait.

Feel better?

You feel better.

Jennifer Aniston is not unlike a patron saint, or if you prefer a more classical archetype, a sort of demi-goddess. Except, whereas in ages past lesser gods were charged with mundane tasks such as ensuring a good harvest or warding against demonic possession, Jennifer protects us from the complete collapse of American civilization.

We dwell in horrid times. The economy is stagnant. Our standing is in sharp decline. Two wars abroad drag on without end. Taxes and deficits rise. Our roads and bridges crumble. Climate change and a lack of forward thinking threaten to undo what meager standard of living we’re able to achieve. The President we elected on the fragile hope of change has proven himself little more than a mediocre politician whose real powers seem only to lay in his ambition. The opposition built against him is little more than a feckless mob of sophists. Society teeters on the brink as mass violence and acts of legislative discrimination fill our headlines daily.

If it wasn’t for Jennifer Aniston and her constant, unending torrent of personal front-page disasters we as a culture might very well lose any and all will to continue. We’d fall into utter despair. Mass suicide would sweep the nation. We’d have nothing to distract us from the bottomless pit of agony that is our lives.

Terrorist plot to destroy a flight into Detroit? The deficit hitting a record $1.35 trillion? Iran developing nuclear weapons? Huh? Wait. Did you hear what John Mayer just said? Brangolina adopted another child? Management tanked at the box office? Poor Jennifer. What were we talking about? OMG a Friends rerun! She really did have great hair. Poor Jennifer.

Yes, it’s just that easy.

Maybe one day, long from now, when these times of trepidation have past and people look back with wonder as to how any of us could have ever possibly survived such ordeals, Jennifer Aniston will finally receive the love and recognition she so desperately deserves. Statues will be built. Shrines. Maybe entire basilicas. And the people, in a collective voice that will shake the very foundation of Heaven, will shout, thank God for Jennifer Aniston!

Or, more likely, she will be forgotten. A footnote in history. Forever remembered as a second-rate sitcom actress that was once married to the husband of Angelina Jolie.

Poor Jennifer.